I’ve been thinking a lot about how much the world loves you. Now more than ever it seems that people are falling over themselves aching to get a spot beside you, or across from you or even a few feet away from you. Remember the INCO days? All that hate and anxiety between you and your co-workers? How funny and weird does that all seem now?
You know when you see Vella at the park and she’s hitting it off with other kids and you’re happy because she’s so great and others are seeing that greatness? She gets that excited smile and starts getting all hyper excited. Well I feel that same joy when I see that people want a piece of you, because I know how great you are, and when others see that I want to lift up my eyebrows, nod my head up and down and give them an exaggerated shoulder nudge. And I can’t help but feel especially blessed because while they want a piece, I get the whole pie. I get daily conversations with you, and late night pillow talk. I get to hear about your dreams and fears and anxieties, about the things that aggravate you and the things you love. We create children together and raise them, and one day we will grow old and enjoy each other in yet another capacity.
This working away from home thing has really changed the dynamics of our marriage. At first the stress of change and learning to care for a household all by myself left me slightly annoyed. I would listen to you on the phone talking about your hardships and would roll my eyes, and you would come home and mess with our schedule and it would drive me nuts. Looking for a car was probably the biggest catalyst of it all, and even though you didn’t do it on purpose it became a big bone of contention. But you allowed me to discuss these things with you, and instead of being defensive you listened, and you acted, and we fixed it. I like that we are able to let these times of tribulation come and go and that at the heart of it all is a muscle that is worked and strengthened. Your patience and understanding is such an amazing gift and I really do feel that it is the backbone of us communicating as well as we do.
So what exactly am I getting at here? I miss you. Being slightly annoyed with things distracted me enough that I didn’t think about the bigger picture. But the dynamics of our relationship have evolved again and left me with an ache in my heart that can only be filled by your presence. October is such an amazing month; it is a time for quality and family, for spicy smells and hot coffee, warm bodied kids in cold sheets, late night talks with full glasses of wine. October was the month we finally decided to get together, all those years ago. We talked on the phone for hours at a time until the fateful day that you met me at the bus station. You picked me up in your fancy car and took me to buy nearly 10 bottles of wine. We stayed up all night talking, laying on opposite sides of the couch. You took me to meet your crazy cousin and to buy some music. I took you to my mom who welcomed you with open arms. There was nervousness and electricity, turkey and the beginning of something great. We kissed for the first time, innocently, sharing the lip gloss we had just coated on our lips.
Thanksgiving is coming up this weekend and it is easy for me to look around and feel overwhelmed at the mere mention of the word “thanks”. There’s no doubt that physically we are further from one another than we’ve been in a long time, but emotionally we are closer than ever. In the greater scheme of our relationship this Metachewan gig is but a blink of the eye, but the tools it has given us will last us the rest of our lives. That ache that I feel in my heart is you, and through that ache I feel you in a very real way and while it might hurt some nights it reminds me of all that you are and just how thankful I am and it brings me back to the place I need to be. And in the end there is even some comfort in that.
I love you, so so very much.
xo Lauri
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